Masturbation Euphemisms: How Do You Like Your Egg Poached?

Let’s talk about self-love. Sounds all fluffy and romantic, doesn’t it? Now just call it masturbation. Plain and simple masturbation. A word that we all back away from and yet can lead to one of the most euphoric experiences ever! 

Go on, say it. 


It’s a great word to say and it’s an even better thing to do!

If you’re really struggling, you just can’t get that one word over the tip of your tongue and into the conversation then fret not. You’ll be pleased to hear there are plenty of euphemisms you can fling into a chat. 

Here’s a list of our top 25 of them. 

Some are self-explanatory. Some we don’t have a clue what they’re on about. Some refer to male masturbation. Some refer to female masturbation. And again, some we have absolutely no idea who, what, when, how they refer to. So here goes.

  1. Debugging the hard drive
  2. Clicking the home page
  3. Singing soprano
  4. Shucking the corn
  5. Paddling the pink canoe
  6. Playing five-on-one
  7. Turning on the sprinklers
  8. Orbiting Venus
  9. Poaching the egg
  10. Polishing the banister
  11. Petting the cat
  12. Finding Nemo
  13. Shaking hands with the milkman
  14. Downstairs DJ
  15. Rosing (think Titanic)
  16. Minding the gap
  17. Burping the worm
  18. Rotating the drive head
  19. Auditioning the finger puppets
  20. Badgering the witness
  21. Making waffles
  22. Cooking cucumbers
  23. Nulling the void
  24. Marching the penguin
  25. Softening the peach