Get an ‘egg shaped’ egg steeped in the secrecy of ancient Chinese history, made of some healing crystal called jade, pop it in your vagina and all will be well in the world.
Sounds easy right?
Let’s just hang fire for a second, push that pause button and summon a bit of rational thinking. Brought to our attention in 2017 by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop and further glamorised when Jane ‘loses’ hers up her vag in Netflix’s recent series The Bold Type, is it really sensible to pop something inside you that technically has no ripcord attached to it to get it back out again?
In fact, as someone who has never tried it and probably never will, how the heck DO you get it out? I have visions of having to turn myself into a ping pong firing exotic dancer and use my pussy powers to fire it out. I can assure you, after 2 kids I think those powers were well and truly left behind in the maternity ward.
And yet, folklore aside, Goop claimed to have discovered an ‘incredible secret practise’, used historically by concubines and guaranteed to tone your bits. So why shouldn't we all concubine our vag’s off with these egg shaped gems?
Before you decide whether to pop one up there here’s a little known fact you might want to consider.
A famous obstetrician-gynecologist called Jen Gunter, alongside an archaeologist colleague Sarah Parchak, published a paper calling bull on the ancient secret of jade eggs. Having studied 5000 chinese artifacts, not one vaginal jade egg existed. So either it is a complete myth or all the actual jade eggs are still lost inside thousands of vaginas. There’s a visual image no one needs.
For those of you still curious, here’s a few facts for you so you can form your own decision.
The word ‘yoni’ is Sanskrit and means ‘womb’. Modern lingo more commonly uses the word vulva or vagina. Personally I kind of like ‘yoni’ and might chuck that into conversation in my next vag chat.
A smooth, polished, non porous and egg shaped stone that you can put in your vagina. Should you choose to.
Good question. Having never tried one I’ve turned to the experts (no idea what a ‘yoni expert’ is but let’s just go with the flow on this one).
In the first instance, the weight of the egg is supposed to act as a Kegel ball, lifting and toning your pelvic floor. Secondly the material it's made out of is supposed to promote crystal energy healing. So if you’re looking for a fit vag and zen-like vibes then crack on. Don’t expect a tighter vag during sex though, that’s a step too far in their mystical magical powers.
Stick something in your vag and then expect it to bang out 12 reps of weight lifting. Yep sure that works. I joke but Doctors and physios will say it does work. Simply because you’re concentrating on contracting your pelvic-floor muscles which help keep your vag, bladder and bum in shape. Whether you need to stick the yoni egg inside yourself to do that is questionable.
And as for the healing crystal side of things. Who am I to question the qualities of natural gems? Is it all a mindset believing in healing powers or are they genuine? If you’re a gem of a person then go forth and you soak up those magical powers.
I just popped into my local fish and chip shop owned by a legendary Chinese family. I showed a picture of a yoni egg to the matriarch of the family who, at 72 years old, has lived her life to the full and asked her opinion on them and her take on their history.
One monumental eye roll later she told me to have more sex and that her husband’s dick was the only thing she’d ever inserted in her vag and that she hasn’t - to date - wet herself.
Interesting words of wisdom.